i
when i think about
how little of my own personality
is mine
i sometimes get confused
i try think about it
from
a physiological perspective:
"is this
a manifestation
my current hormonal state
or the state of the flora in my gut
or some parasite run amok?"
i try think about it
from
a psychological perspective:
“is this
a manifestation
of my ego
my superego
my id
or my mother?”
i try to think about it
from
a cultural perspective:
“is this
a manifestation
of the mores of
my time and place
my peers
my predecessors
the patriarchy
white supremacy
of capitalism
of kyriarchy?”
i try to think about it
from
an ethnic
genetic
ancestral perspective:
“is this
a manifestion
of those
i am descended from
the trials
and traumas
that they went through?”
i try to think about it
from
an evolutionary perspective:
“is this
a manifestation
of my inherent
basic
elemental/
atomic structure
of being a direct descendant of
the very first almost alive thing
that separated
into two parts
and then kept
duplicating itself
or the first complex thing
like the algae
like the trilobite
or the first fish thing
or reptilian thing
or amphibious thing
or is this a manifestation
of what we learned
during
that first mammalian hibernation
after the meteor hit
and when we awoke
the world was new
the dinosaurs were gone
and then, gradually
over millennia
we evolved
to this bipedal state?”
i try to think about it
from
a metaphysical persepctive:
“is this a manifestation
of my past lives
and incarnations
is this written in
the akashic record?
is this written in
the book of life?
was this written in
some book
that was lost
during the burning
of the great library of alexandria?
is this written on the world wide web?”
there are more perspectives,
to be certain,
but usually
trying to hold such a multitude
of beings within me
and their perspectives
simultaneous,
i default
into some facet of
my perfectly
flawed personality
which would not exist at all
for me to be thinking about
if anything
or anyone
had gone
or done
anything even slightly differently
….maybe.
ii
picking apart my own personality
just to discover how little of it is me
so much belongs to the other
brother, mother, father
aunt, uncle, great uncle, great aunt
cousin
grandma, granny, grandpa, g_dmother
boyfriend, bosom buddy,
traveling partner, teacher
and those that came before
before my parents ever even met
(they were 12)
...
before i was ever even a thought
before i was ever even conceived
before i ever even came to term
before my mother managed
to push me
(if i was me, by then)
with no drugs
and no complications
and no interventions
out through the birth canal
and into this realm
(approx. probability of existence:
400,000,000,000,000 TO 1)
before my mother was ever even born
with all of her lifetimes worth of eggs
(approx. 2,000,000)
before my granny was ever even born
with all of her lifetimes worth of eggs
before my great grandmothers were born
with their lifetimes worth of eggs
even before that
there were those who
fled and fled
and then had to flee again
before it got light outside
they left all their things behind
all of the trappings of home
and created homes for themselves
in inhospitable places
and developed nervous disorders
because they knew
they weren’t welcome
and internalized that knowing
maybe it was to stay safe
maybe it was so it wouldn’t hurt as bad
when they had to flee again
maybe it was so they would be ready
when it came
and now as a people
we are known for our anxious dispositions
but the reality is that
we are all very anxious
not just these people
or that people
we are all very anxious because
the conditions of the moment
bring out our latent anxiety
you could think about it like epigenetics
(check the box that applies)
i would not, have seldom or never have
presented this anxious allele if
you would not present this impossible situation
of imminent collapse, mass extinction
2013
A few weeks ago it was the Spring equinox
We danced on coals
One person burned her feet
(We all did a little bit)
It snowed the next day
I guess we didn't dance hard enough
It was cold for weeks thereafter
Maybe it was that our hearts weren't really in the dance
(At least mine wasn't)
It was odd:
A bunch of white kids out in the mountains of North Carolina
Watching others:
Trying to play the digereedoo
And drum
And rap
And dance on coals for warmth
And the warmth our dance might bring if our hearts really were in it.
Maybe it's like me trying to write a poem.
I never learned to read poetry
I never learned to write poetry
My words are trying to appropriate the form of poetry
Now that I've finally felt the warmth on my bare shoulders out in the garden
& seen the young shoots & shrubs leaf-ing out,
recovering from the prolonged winter of our lackluster
Appropriation of form.
2007
My dreams are full of shoplifting and minor shows of defiance
My subconscious can?t stay out of jail for more than a week
I?ve been stickin? it to the man every evening since 2003.
What the fuck type of a refuge is sleep,
When big brother peers at me from beneath my eyelids
And I?m always running from the po-lice?
The standard psychology text of the western world mislead us
No, Freud didn?t do it on purpose!
He couldn?t help but project his neuroses,
(it was a neurosis of his)
Instead of Freud I?m hoping Jung will do
Or maybe looking to aboriginal dreamtime would be of use?
My dreams are full of shoplifting and minor shows of defiance
My subconscious can?t stay out of jail for more than a week
I?ve been stickin? it to the man every evening since 2003.
What the fuck type of a refuge is sleep,
When big brother peers at me from beneath my eyelids
And I?m always running from the po-lice?
You see, all I really want is a nice flying dream
My homies have them all the time
I need to find a way to save my subconscious from being subversive!
I?m tired of being singled out.
Lucid dreaming: great.
But what?s a poor girl to do once her metaphysical pockets are already full?
If I can?t keep my sleeping brain out of the big house,
Well, maybe I?m made up entirely of former felon?s, you know, their quarks.
Would that explain this slumberous anomaly?
The aborigines might answer that waking life isn?t the real thing.
My dreams are full of shoplifting and minor shows of defiance
My subconscious can?t stay out of jail for more than a week
I?ve been stickin? it to the man every evening since 2003.
What the fuck type of a refuge is sleep,
When big brother peers at me from beneath my eyelids
And I?m always running from the po-lice
when i think about
how little of my own personality
is mine
i sometimes get confused
i try think about it
from
a physiological perspective:
"is this
a manifestation
my current hormonal state
or the state of the flora in my gut
or some parasite run amok?"
i try think about it
from
a psychological perspective:
“is this
a manifestation
of my ego
my superego
my id
or my mother?”
i try to think about it
from
a cultural perspective:
“is this
a manifestation
of the mores of
my time and place
my peers
my predecessors
the patriarchy
white supremacy
of capitalism
of kyriarchy?”
i try to think about it
from
an ethnic
genetic
ancestral perspective:
“is this
a manifestion
of those
i am descended from
the trials
and traumas
that they went through?”
i try to think about it
from
an evolutionary perspective:
“is this
a manifestation
of my inherent
basic
elemental/
atomic structure
of being a direct descendant of
the very first almost alive thing
that separated
into two parts
and then kept
duplicating itself
or the first complex thing
like the algae
like the trilobite
or the first fish thing
or reptilian thing
or amphibious thing
or is this a manifestation
of what we learned
during
that first mammalian hibernation
after the meteor hit
and when we awoke
the world was new
the dinosaurs were gone
and then, gradually
over millennia
we evolved
to this bipedal state?”
i try to think about it
from
a metaphysical persepctive:
“is this a manifestation
of my past lives
and incarnations
is this written in
the akashic record?
is this written in
the book of life?
was this written in
some book
that was lost
during the burning
of the great library of alexandria?
is this written on the world wide web?”
there are more perspectives,
to be certain,
but usually
trying to hold such a multitude
of beings within me
and their perspectives
simultaneous,
i default
into some facet of
my perfectly
flawed personality
which would not exist at all
for me to be thinking about
if anything
or anyone
had gone
or done
anything even slightly differently
….maybe.
ii
picking apart my own personality
just to discover how little of it is me
so much belongs to the other
brother, mother, father
aunt, uncle, great uncle, great aunt
cousin
grandma, granny, grandpa, g_dmother
boyfriend, bosom buddy,
traveling partner, teacher
and those that came before
before my parents ever even met
(they were 12)
...
before i was ever even a thought
before i was ever even conceived
before i ever even came to term
before my mother managed
to push me
(if i was me, by then)
with no drugs
and no complications
and no interventions
out through the birth canal
and into this realm
(approx. probability of existence:
400,000,000,000,000 TO 1)
before my mother was ever even born
with all of her lifetimes worth of eggs
(approx. 2,000,000)
before my granny was ever even born
with all of her lifetimes worth of eggs
before my great grandmothers were born
with their lifetimes worth of eggs
even before that
there were those who
fled and fled
and then had to flee again
before it got light outside
they left all their things behind
all of the trappings of home
and created homes for themselves
in inhospitable places
and developed nervous disorders
because they knew
they weren’t welcome
and internalized that knowing
maybe it was to stay safe
maybe it was so it wouldn’t hurt as bad
when they had to flee again
maybe it was so they would be ready
when it came
and now as a people
we are known for our anxious dispositions
but the reality is that
we are all very anxious
not just these people
or that people
we are all very anxious because
the conditions of the moment
bring out our latent anxiety
you could think about it like epigenetics
(check the box that applies)
i would not, have seldom or never have
presented this anxious allele if
you would not present this impossible situation
of imminent collapse, mass extinction
2013
A few weeks ago it was the Spring equinox
We danced on coals
One person burned her feet
(We all did a little bit)
It snowed the next day
I guess we didn't dance hard enough
It was cold for weeks thereafter
Maybe it was that our hearts weren't really in the dance
(At least mine wasn't)
It was odd:
A bunch of white kids out in the mountains of North Carolina
Watching others:
Trying to play the digereedoo
And drum
And rap
And dance on coals for warmth
And the warmth our dance might bring if our hearts really were in it.
Maybe it's like me trying to write a poem.
I never learned to read poetry
I never learned to write poetry
My words are trying to appropriate the form of poetry
Now that I've finally felt the warmth on my bare shoulders out in the garden
& seen the young shoots & shrubs leaf-ing out,
recovering from the prolonged winter of our lackluster
Appropriation of form.
2007
My dreams are full of shoplifting and minor shows of defiance
My subconscious can?t stay out of jail for more than a week
I?ve been stickin? it to the man every evening since 2003.
What the fuck type of a refuge is sleep,
When big brother peers at me from beneath my eyelids
And I?m always running from the po-lice?
The standard psychology text of the western world mislead us
No, Freud didn?t do it on purpose!
He couldn?t help but project his neuroses,
(it was a neurosis of his)
Instead of Freud I?m hoping Jung will do
Or maybe looking to aboriginal dreamtime would be of use?
My dreams are full of shoplifting and minor shows of defiance
My subconscious can?t stay out of jail for more than a week
I?ve been stickin? it to the man every evening since 2003.
What the fuck type of a refuge is sleep,
When big brother peers at me from beneath my eyelids
And I?m always running from the po-lice?
You see, all I really want is a nice flying dream
My homies have them all the time
I need to find a way to save my subconscious from being subversive!
I?m tired of being singled out.
Lucid dreaming: great.
But what?s a poor girl to do once her metaphysical pockets are already full?
If I can?t keep my sleeping brain out of the big house,
Well, maybe I?m made up entirely of former felon?s, you know, their quarks.
Would that explain this slumberous anomaly?
The aborigines might answer that waking life isn?t the real thing.
My dreams are full of shoplifting and minor shows of defiance
My subconscious can?t stay out of jail for more than a week
I?ve been stickin? it to the man every evening since 2003.
What the fuck type of a refuge is sleep,
When big brother peers at me from beneath my eyelids
And I?m always running from the po-lice
